Ghana Texts Trump 'Eii. Hmm,' Vows 2000% Retaliatory Tariffs on American Jollof

As global superpowers responded to Donald Trump’s sweeping new tariffs with blistering countermeasures, Ghana’s official position came in the form of a solemn two-word WhatsApp message: “Eii. Hmm.” The 10% tariff slapped on Ghanaian imports has drawn loud protests from the Importers and Exporters Association, but Ghana’s government, not wanting to strain relations with its number one source of secondhand underwear, opted for ambient murmuring and a threat to ban American-imported jollof rice, a dish so irrelevant and unholy it makes even Nigerian jollof look like Gordon Ramsay’s private recipe.

Samson Asaki Awingobit, Executive Secretary of the association, warned of job losses and reduced exports, urging the Mahama administration to at least say something. The Ministry of Foreign Affairs, under intense pressure to appear active, quickly leaked plans to impose retaliatory sanctions on American-imported jollof. “We are considering a 2000% retaliatory tariff on all American-imported jollof,” a ministry official said, drawing curious looks from journalists, who noted no Ghanaian has ever knowingly seen, eaten, or craved American jollof. “We know it doesn’t exist,” the official explained, “but if it ever does, we want it punished.”

The US Ambassador to Ghana, Virginia Palmer, tried to assure Ghanaians that trade ties remain solid, especially with Ghana’s gold and gas exports. However, local economists believe Ghana’s response—marked by silence, a WhatsApp text and an astronomical levy on the non-existent—would do little to scare President Trump into retreat.