Kantamanto Thief's New Year's Resolution Lasted 15 Hours, 10 Minutes

Barely 15 hours after posting his New Year's resolutions on Facebook, a young man is already saying "Whatever" to all his vows in what might be the fastest resolution breakdown of 2025. The man, who reportedly vowed to "turn over a new leaf" and "leave stealing behind in 2024," was caught on January 2 looting burnt goods during the Kantamanto market fire. "I made it 15 hours," he reportedly told arresting officers, "which is better than last year."

Witnesses say the thief was spotted rummaging through ashes, picking items that were about as useful as his willpower, including charred slippers, melted pots and squashed, sooty tomatoes. His orange shirt, bright enough to rival the fire’s glow, served as both a bold fashion statement and an unintentional “Arrest Me” sign. When confronted by a police officer, the man reportedly shrugged and said, "It’s not like they’re using it anymore," which prompted the devastated traders, whose losses amount to billions of cedis, to curse his very existence and make a comment or two about his mother.

Adding to the thief’s ignominy, his Facebook post—which featured a photo of him looking suspiciously innocent—was quickly unearthed, revealing a list of other noble intentions that included "New year, new me," and "2025 is my year of abundance," which kind of explains his looting escapade to acquire the abundance of charred remains.

His friends, however, are reportedly "not very surprised," citing his previous failed attempts at honesty, including a 2009 resolution he made in high school to "stop serving selfishly at dining," which lasted roughly until breakfast on January 2nd.