No Breakfast on January 6, Or Else Fire and Brimstone – Owusu-Bempah

Rev. Isaac Owusu-Bempah, known for his accurate machine learning-based predictions, has issued one of those bizarre instructions from God for which 31st December watchnight services have come to be so well-known: all NDC supporters and sympathizers – and anyone who loves Ghana, for that matter – are expected to abandon their food in the microwave on January 6th and set the timer to 12 hours.

This peculiar directive has been widely interpreted as a 12-hour fasting from 6am to 6pm: no breakfast, no lunch, just the gnawing feeling of hunger as a spiritual exercise, until it's 6pm and then you can eat whatever remains in the microwave after 12 hours. Apparently, God can't just sort things out himself without everyone skipping a meal, as He has a real thing for empty stomachs and grumbling tummies.

The self-proclaimed prophet, speaking with all the humility of a peacock, warned that ignoring this divine directive – even daring to eat a biscuit – will have severe consequences, raining fire and brimstone and burning sulphur. He even name-dropped Asiedu Nketia, Julius Debrah, Elvis Afriyie Ankrah, and Sammy Gyamfi, turning them into his personal fasting enforcers, which is probably the most responsibility they've had in years.

Koko and waakye sellers are reportedly not very happy with this arrangement, dismissing this whole fasting episode as “a great inconvenience with exaggerated consequences which turn out to be like the spiritual equivalent of a parking fine” and predicting that people will be back for their usual breakfast and lunch, perhaps with even more hunger pangs.

NPP supporters, meanwhile, have launched their own campaign with the hashtag #WeShallEat.