SDA Church Launches Holy Tinder: Only Bibles as Profile Pics, Absolutely No Outsiders

The Seventh-Day Adventist Church has boldly stepped into the digital age with a groundbreaking dating app dubbed "Holy Tinder." The app, designed exclusively for church members, bans outsiders from swiping in, ensuring that members only mingle with the sanctified. Designed to keep outsiders far from the holy flock, the app features strict rules: profile pictures must showcase a Bible, and any hint of makeup or filters will result in instant expulsion, "because true love should see you as God does," according to the app’s promotional sermon.

Pastor Andrews Ewoo, the mastermind behind this divine matchmaking tool, renowned for his crusades against cross-denominational dating, explained the rationale during a fiery sermon. "Marrying outside the church is like putting diesel in a petrol car—it’s destined for disaster!" he warned. "Why marry an outsider who will question why we fast on the Sabbath? Here, you’ll find your missing rib who already knows how to lead closing prayer!"

The app promises matches based on shared spiritual goals, midweek service attendance streaks, and, crucially, tithe consistency. Any member who even thinks of swiping on an outsider will be greeted by a pop-up warning: "Thou shalt not yoke thyself with unbelievers."

Reaction to Holy Tinder has been mixed. Some members are thrilled at the prospect of finding "a match made in heaven" without leaving the church compound. Others, however, have criticized it as "holy micro-managing." Regardless, Pastor Ewoo remains unshaken, urging single members to "download now and let God swipe right for you!"