Tinubu Better than Moses – Nigeria to Reach Promised Land in 1 Year Instead of 40

President Bola Tinubu, equipped with the latest GPS technology to avoid wandering off for 40 years, has declared his unwavering commitment to taking Nigeria to the mythical Promised Land, aiming for a one-year turnaround – a speed that is sure to make Moses jealous. Unfortunately, the exact coordinates of this Promised Land remain unclear, prompting concerned citizens to flood Google searches with "Promised Land near me" and "Is the Promised Land a metaphor or an actual place?"

The President, beaming with confidence, informed a gathering of VIP lawmakers paying him a New Year's homage, that Nigeria’s transformative journey involves such bravely implemented reforms, that he's genuinely concerned about the sheer volume of thank-you notes he’ll be receiving by year’s end. "We have confidence, competence, and courage!" he boomed, eliciting a murmur from the crowd that sounded suspiciously like, "Confidence won’t buy garri, Baba." Tinubu also unveiled his secret inspiration: a Yoruba proverb about how only courageous dogs catch bush animals, though skeptics wondered if the current economy wasn’t more of a rampaging elephant.

"We believe 2025 will be the ultimate year where every Nigerian will be proud of this administration," Tinubu declared with the conviction of a preacher trying to manifest the Promised Land into existence, like a Nigerian Moses with a very detailed PowerPoint presentation.

Senate President Akpabio, ever the loyal hype-man, enthusiastically backed Tinubu's vision, calling his reforms “bold,” citing oversubscribed Eurobonds and imaginary investor smiles. Citizens, however, are calling for a reality check: “Promised Land? Abeg, promise us three square meals first!” Yet, some particularly enterprising individuals have already started selling Promised Land tickets, now trending as the must-have New Year's item for Nigerian families.